Posted on Tuesday, February 18 / 2003

North Korea Threatens U.S. With Nukes, Says Duct Tape & Plastic Won't Help

Photo Thanks To Reuters PANMUNJOM - Communist North Korea threatened to abandon the 1953 Korean War armistice and announced it would win a nuclear confrontation with the United States, even with the U.S.'s arsenal of duct tape and plastic.

Diplomats in Beijing said China had been applying pressure for North Korea to stop its attempts to further its nuclear program and hold further talks, but secretly China has been stockpiling it's own duct tape and plastic sheeting in case diplomacy fails sources said.

South Korean President Kim Dae-jung, who retires next week, said the nuclear crisis had forced him to consider all security threats, but "my conclusion is that I believe the danger of war on the Korean peninsula is slight -- mainly thanks to our duct tape and plastic aid shipments from the United States."

When asked by reporters what he would do after he retires, the president announced he would move to Southern Florida, which is "out of range of the commie missiles."

"If the U.S. side continues violating and misusing the Armistice Agreement as it pleases and continues it's exports of duct tapes and plastics, there will be no need for the DPRK to remain bound to the AA uncomfortably," said the statement, issued by the official Korean Central News Agency. "These tapes and plastics are no match for our strong long range nuclear weapons."

In Seoul, South Korea's Defense Ministry said no unusual moves by the North Koreans were sighted but as a precautionary measure troops started unrolling plastic sheets secured by duct tape along the demilitarized zone separating the two countries to repel any invasion from the north.

The White House had no immediate comment but sources tell News2me that they are taking the threats very seriously and have already begun wrapping the president in plastic and duct tape as a precaution.

Ryan Phillips reporting for News2me


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