Posted on Saturday, March 1 / 2003

PETA Faction Forms Own Group

NORFOLK - A splinter group has announced this week that it will leave PETA (People for the Ethical Treatment of Animals) and form it's own organization PETS (People for the Ethical Treatment of Sponges).

"PETA has done nothing to draw attention to the awful plight of sponges," says Paul Hermes, who will become PETS Executive Director.

"There are 10,000 species of sponges in the phyla Porifera, part of the Animal Kingdom.  PETA has abandoned these creatures in favor of cute furry animals that belong to the phyla Cordata.  Just because an animal has a spine, does that make it more worthy of our attention than all the spineless creatures out there being exploited by humans?"

"Did you know that sponges are routinely harvested just for the purpose of car waxing?  And I won't get into the things people do with Loofahs*."

Gene Torrey a representative for PETA commented on the split with the following:

"Do sponges bleed?  Do sponges make screaming noises when their throats are slit?  Can we get Hollywood to donate millions of dollars to address the plight of sponges?  No?  Then get the f*** out of my face, d***weed."

When Hermes was asked why they weren't focusing on the 8,800 species of segmented worms in the phyla Annelida, he responded:

"We got Cartoon Network to donate a million dollars and use of Sponge Bob Square Pants as a spokes-sponge.  It's a lot of money for us and good publicity for them.  If there was a funny segmented worm character that could generate income for us, we might consider it."

(*Editor's note: Loofah is actually a vegetable from the gourd family.)

Field Reporter Dean Markowitz reporting for News2me

 Articles from field reporters were written by everyday readers of News2Me and to the best of News2Me's knowledge are not the acts of plagiarism



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